I Am More Than My Weight

I'm feeling compelled to write about weight and body image for some reason.  I have lived on both sides of the spectrum.  I was a skinny child growing up, spandex was baggy on me.  People often asked my mother if I was sick.  I was teased and taunted (including by my own mother who is obese) called "skinny minnie with the meatball eyes" and comments like "you need to run around in the shower just to get wet".  As I grew up and became a young adult I had larger people say rude nasty comments to me frequently.  With that all being said, I certainly got a lot of special attention and special treatment because I was thin.  I got things for free, I got moved to the front of pictures and whatnot.  Male attention was constant; sometimes wanted, sometimes not.

Now, here I am on the other side.  I'm considered obese by the BMI standards and I now see the drastic change in how I'm treated.  I'm pretty much invisible most of the time.  I'm not made fun of anymore but I don't get any special treatment either.  My 4 year old son loves to point out that I have a "big belly" and how fat I am.  Otherwise no one really mentions my weight to me.  I guess I'm lucky that I don't face criticism on a daily basis but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced it.

Me aged 21 after having my first child

When I was in the hospital to deliver my youngest I was fat shamed by my OB-GYN.  I had my second c-section after a difficult pregnancy that included gestational diabetes.  I had stuck to my diet and barely gained any weight during my pregnancy.  Still, my fitness buff doctor put me on a restricted caloric intake diet and even made comments to me that I better not be sneaking food when he would do his daily rounds.  The food service worker actually apologized to me for not being able to give me a full meal.  My milk did not come in as quickly as it had with my last 4 deliveries and I firmly believe that it was a direct result of me not eating enough.  My OB tried to keep me on diabetic medication that could cause my blood sugar to drop dangerously low (my blood sugar levels were NORMAL) because he thought it was going to help me lose weight.  I had to refuse to take the medication and demand that he speak to my specialist about keeping me on the medication before he agreed to take the medication off of my medication list.  I spoke up to one of the nurses and told her what was going on.  She was sympathetic and started bringing me extra food.  Then my milk finally came in.  This was a DOCTOR who was fat shaming a woman at one of the most vulnerable moments in her life.  Yes, health is important, but so it making sure a woman is getting proper nutrition while she is healing from major abdominal surgery, breastfeeding and caring for a newborn. It is also irresponsible to prescribe a medication to a patient when you don't know what that medication is for nor do you know the side effects of that medication.  All of his negligence was a direct result of his disgust for my weight.  He was never kind about my weight just condescending and judgmental.

I am a full human being, I am more than my weight.  This is something I have to tell myself every day as struggle with my current body image.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss being thin without any effort.  I would be lying if I said I was pumped to change my diet and exercise.  I was spoiled with a fast metabolism for a large portion of my life and I don't know if I will ever have the self discipline and drive to lose the weight.  I have been on medications that have caused me to gain weight and hold on to that weight despite my efforts to lose it.  It's disheartening and discouraging. 

Now, here I am trying to love my new normal.  I'm trying to be happy in my own skin.  I'm trying to get the motivation to maybe lose the weight.  BUT ya know what?  Maybe I just want to be fat and happy.  I'll figure it out.

Me, my husband and my youngest child

Bell's Palsy. Fuck off.

I need to get in the habit of writing this blog regularly!  I've slacked off over the last few months but with good reason.  I've adjusted to working full time (yes, I still truly love it), I've found some birth relatives, I've dealt with my oldest son and his issues (that are pretty severe), I've started Christmas shopping, we went on vacation and oh yeah I now have Bell's Palsy.  See?  Good reason.

Where do I even start?  I guess with happy news like I found my great uncle through Ancestry DNA and he is an amazing person.  I was able to find my paternal grandfather and that entire side of my family.  My grandfather is not open to a relationship but everyone else is and I'm so happy that they are.  Hopefully we can arrange an in person meeting some time soon.

My oldest son is 14 and giving me a real run for my money.  I think he is trying to give me wrinkles and grey hair.  He has inherited some mental health issues from both his father and myself and they have reared their ugly head.  He is smoking a lot of pot, disappearing for days at a time, stealing, making threatening rap videos and glamorizing gang life.  It's been stressful to say the least.  I just want him to be ok and avoid going down a dangerous path.  My heart breaks with every call I get with more bad news about my son.  This is harder than I ever imagined it would be.  I'm going to fight for him though, as long as I'm breathing I'll be fighting for him.

Bell's Palsy.  Fuck off.  It's freaking miserable.  I know it could be a lot worse.  It's temporary (most of the time) and is not life threatening.  But your face is half frozen, it's extremely painful, your hearing is impaired and extremely sensitive, your tear ducts don't work, your tongue is half numb, your eating and talking is affected.  You can't even brush your teeth normally.  It's depressing and obnoxious.  I'm a fighter though and I'm fighting through it.  I'm on day 40 and I have made a ton of improvement.  My face and tongue are no longer numb and muscles are trying to move on the affected side of my face.  I'm doing my best to stay positive but my face looking all weird has definitely contributed to my depression lately.  Troy has been extremely supportive through all of this insanity and I am so thankful for that.

So yeah, that's the gist of life right now.  I'm fighting through all the stress and I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job of it.  Most importantly I'm staying on top of my own mental health.  I've made a point to try and take care of myself through all of this craziness and I definitely see a difference in how I've been able to handle everything.

Remember: Self care is IMPORTANT

Just Have Some Empathy and Compassion

I haven't written is so long!  I've been crazy busy.  I've been finding birth relatives and discovering that I'm 26% Ashkenazi Jewish.  I have been working at a local coffee shop and was miserable there which finally gave me the kick in the ass I needed to apply for paralegal positions (as I have my certificate in Paralegal Studies and an Associates Degree in General Studies).  And guess what?  I just finished my first week as a full time paralegal!  I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.  So, I think this post is going to focus on mom-shame and mental health.

Mom-shaming is defined as "criticizing or degrading a mother for her parenting choices because they differ from the choices the shamer would make" (Source).  This trend is sickening to me.  I despise mom-shaming.  I have been guilty of it in the past and for that I'm sorry.  I've learned my lesson and as long as you're not abusing or severely neglecting your child/ren then you do you!  Here is why I bring up this topic; I freaking LOVE working full time.  I truly adore it.  I know, how awful of me right?  It's the truth though.

I stopped working outside the home one week before my four year old was born.  My depression and anxiety got intensely worse over the last four years I have been either a stay at home mom or a work from home mom.  To the point of hospitalization.  Now, it's not my kids' fault and in no way am I blaming them for my mental health struggles. It made the most sense financially for me to be home with the kids.  Over the next four years there would be other issues to arise that were contributors to my depression such as hormone imbalances from birth control, postpartum depression, the loss of my son, changes in medications, etc.  I was struggling so severely that ultimately I ended up in a psych ward for a week.  I just felt alone and frazzled all the time.  I didn't like being around my kids.  I got "breaks" from them often but it just wasn't enough to stabilize my mental health.  I was miserable.

It's only been a week of working full time again and I already feel a million times better.  I feel like a whole new human being.  Not only am I out of the house conversing with adults but I'm doing the job I worked so hard in college (as a single mother) to be able to get.  I'm able to miss my kids and enjoy the time I spend with them.  It works for me and most importantly it improves my mental health.

Now, this is where the mom-shaming comes in.  I know I will get looked down on by some people for finding happiness and fulfillment outside of my children.  It's an archaic idea that a woman must only find fulfillment in marriage, children and home-making.  Yet, many people still adhere to that ideology.  As a result, judgement is harsh on women who chose (not necessarily women who have to work to support their family) to work outside the home while also choosing to  be a mother.  It's absolutely ridiculous to expect every mother to find happiness in the same thing.  We're all different human beings and we all have different personalities.  Some women really do find true happiness and fulfillment in being a stay at home mom and that's completely ok.  Life is NOT a competition.  Embrace our differences and stop judging each other so harshly.  Especially since you may not understand an individual's mental health condition and how judgments could have a horrific negative effect on them.  Just have some empathy and compassion.

Always chose kindness ❤

PTSD Shrunk My Amygdala

**TRIGGER WARNING** I address traumatic events in this entry so please proceed with caution and keep your own mental health in mind while reading this post!

This is a cause that touches my life in so many ways.  Both my husband and I live with PTSD {Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder}.  It's always lurking in the shadows; ready to pounce at any moment.  Triggers take us both by surprise causing a lot of turmoil for us and our family.  I have so much to say on this topic that I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts.

Why don't we start by learning what PTSD actually is and what it does to a person:

"PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) is essentially an anxiety disorder. It develops in response to traumatic or life-threatening experiences such as war, sexual assault, accidents, or natural disasters.

Some symptoms of PTSD include:

• Emotional Symptoms: anxiety, anger, depression, irritability, sadness
• Physical Symptoms: tiredness, increased perspiration, high or low blood pressure, trouble digesting food

Stress affects our autonomic nervous system, endocrine system, and immune system; these physical systems are all interdependent on each other. How we perceive stress plays an important role in how our bodies respond physically to stress.

High amounts of inflammatory hormones are dumped into our systems in response to stressful or traumatic situations, but these hormones are released even at the memory of trauma. So PTSD can be thought of as an emotional stress overload.

In fact, the latest research shows that PTSD actually causes a part of the brain called the amygdala to shrink. The amygdala is the part of the brain that processes emotions and fear. Researchers believe that when the amygdala is smaller, it makes it more difficult for people to process their anxiety resulting from trauma." (http://www.ptsdalliance.org/about-ptsd/)

Take a minute to think about everything that trauma does to the human body; it's incredible.  Clearly a person diagnosed with PTSD cannot easily control their symptoms.  Please stop telling people with PTSD (or any mental illness for that matter) that they can just decide to stop having an illness.  It's irrational and, frankly, damaging to the person you're spouting off to.

You're probably wondering what caused my PTSD.  Honestly, I don't know which event in my life officially shrank my amygdala; but I'm a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse, sexual assault, rape and domestic violence.  It's likely that I got PTSD as a child but was further traumatized as an adult. 

One thing that is very upsetting to me is the misuse of the word "trigger" in the land of politics.  Triggers are a very real and often terrifying experience for people living with PTSD and this abuse of the word minimizes this. So, if you're some one who misuses the word "trigger" please stop because you're actually part of the problem with our society not taking mental illness seriously.

What exactly is a trigger?

"When faced with danger, your body gets ready to fight, flee, or freeze. Your heart beats faster. Your senses go on high alert. Your brain stops some of its normal functions to deal with the threat. This includes your short-term memory. With PTSD, your brain doesn’t process the trauma the right way. It doesn’t file the memory of the event as being in the past. The result: You feel stressed and frightened even when you know you’re safe.

The brain attaches details, like sights or smells, to that memory. These become triggers. They act like buttons that turn on your body’s alarm system. When one of them is pushed, your brain switches to danger mode. This may cause you to become frightened and your heart to start racing. The sights, sounds, and feelings of the trauma may come rushing back. This is called a flashback." (https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-are-ptsd-triggers#1)

Notice that this does not say that a trigger is something that a person just doesn't like hearing or seeing?  That's because that's NOT what a trigger is.  I truly hope this educates at least one person and helps them decide to stop misusing this term.  I know it's a long shot but I am the Hopelessly Hopeful Housewife after all.

Maybe in honor on PTSD Awareness Month I will write some in depth entries on some of the traumatic events in my life and the triggers that I have as a result.  I'll need to mentally prepare myself to unpack those boxes though so please be patient with me!

I'm off to hang out with the family and pick up some of my anti-anxiety meds from CVS so I'm out for now!

Stay wonderful followers 😀

My Complicated Parentage

What's new in my life:

I started working at a local coffee shop chain this week.  I'm an opener so I have to be to work at 4:15 am.  I have to get up at 3:15 am to get to work on time.  I'm a zombie ha ha.  It's only part-time so I'm managing OK.  I haven't worked outside the home since I was a week away from delivering my 4 year old!  I've worked from home for the last two years and honestly being out in the world again is nice.  I feel like a functioning adult again 😃

My life is never simple.  My parentage is, of course, complicated.  My mother was in an abusive relationship as a teenager which resulted in ME lol.  I was born with bruises in a home for unwed mothers.  Those places don't even exist anymore!  I was around 2 years old when my mother left this abusive partner and started a new life with my adopted father.  I was legally adopted me and raised by this man.  He is also the man who sexually abused me as young girl but I digress.  To make things more complicated my biological father was adopted as an infant and it was a closed adoption.  He and his immediate adopted family are all deceased.  I have no adoption records and no way to obtain his records. Since he is not listed on my birth certificate (and never was as he was not present at my birth and did not sign my birth certificate) I am not able to legally access his adoption records.  I have found relatives of my biological father's adopted family and they are wonderful.  I have now done the Ancestry DNA kit and I'm hoping to find biological relatives from my bio father's side.  It's my last ditch effort to hopefully find some of my relatives and maybe form a relationship with them.  One half of my DNA is a complete mystery to me and it's always been a question is the back of my mind.  Hopefully this will give me at least some of the answers I crave.

I am concerned with finding my biological family though and explaining that my biological father was not a good person and that he died alone of AIDS in 1992.  He was in and out of jail, he was an addict, and he was an abuser.  He did love and cherish me though; that's his one redeeming quality.  How do I tell his biological family all of this?  I'm open to advice on this if you have some!

I'm also worried that I'm going to find people that won't want a relationship with me or that will try and take advantage of me somehow.

This could be my anxiety running rampant and filling me with unnecessary worry.  Sometimes it's really difficult to distinguish what's my anxiety and what is a valid concern.  Oh the joys of mental illness: not knowing if your mind is playing tricks on you or not,

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month I'm linking the Massachusetts Association of Mental Health donation page:  Donate to MAMH

Alright, back to reality.  Thank you for visiting my blog ❤❤

Who Am I? What's Wrong With Me And Why Am I Babbling On About Stuff?

Where should I start?

I guess I should introduce myself and give some background info, right?  I don't know what I'm doing here, if you can't tell.  My name is Nicki; I'm a 34 year old wife and mother of 4 beautiful children.  I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, rape, miscarriage, homelessness and domestic violence.  I live with PTSD, post-partum depression and anxiety and regular depression and anxiety; most likely as a result from the traumas in my life but honestly, who knows, genetics are a possibility too.  I've contracted Lyme Disease twice and as a result I now have chronic Lyme Disease.  I have endometriosis and a hormone imbalance.  I'm the mother of a child with ADHD, ODD anxiety and conduct disorder.  I'm the wife of a USMC veteran who has a TBI and PTSD.  As a result of all this craziness I'm a fighter and I want to use what little voice I have to bring attention to some overlooked issues, help de-stigmatize some of these issues and start conversations about these topics.

So, that brings us to May being Mental Health Awareness Month so I think I will focus on this cause for the time being.  Unfortunately, this is something I know a lot about since I live with it.  I juggle a husband and FOUR kids while still trying to actually stay sane, for real.  It's a challenge for not just me but my entire family and I suffer a lot of guilt over this.  My husband chose me but my children didn't and I frequently struggle with the burden I am to them.  I worry that I'm destroying them in some irreparable way.  I constantly think that they deserve a better mother than me.  Then I remind myself that I can teach them life lessons that they wouldn't learn from anyone else.  I can empathize with them in ways others cannot and as a result I'm uniquely qualified to be their mother.  I'm a fighter and I fight for them even harder than I fight for myself.  My anxiety will lie to me and tell me that I'm not enough and that I do more harm than good.  Then I take my meds and step out of the fog of lies into the clear light of a healthy mind and I remember all the strengths I possess.

Speaking of medication; can we please stop making people feel shameful for needing medication to treat their illness?  Would we shame a diabetic for taking insulin? No because that would be heartless and unreasonable, right?  Well that's exactly what we (society as a whole) are doing to people who suffer from mental illness!  Medications have literally saved my life TWICE so far.  I am so grateful for modern medicine because I have access to proper treatment for my illness.  This is a wonderful thing that needs to be celebrated not shamed.  Can we all just agree that treating mental illness is actually a really great and necessary for our society to function normally?  Wonderful, I'm so glad you agree!

On that note, I need to start thinking about feeding my rugrats dinner.

Have a fantastic day and stay golden Pony Boy or whatever.