Who Am I? What's Wrong With Me And Why Am I Babbling On About Stuff?

Where should I start?

I guess I should introduce myself and give some background info, right?  I don't know what I'm doing here, if you can't tell.  My name is Nicki; I'm a 34 year old wife and mother of 4 beautiful children.  I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, rape, miscarriage, homelessness and domestic violence.  I live with PTSD, post-partum depression and anxiety and regular depression and anxiety; most likely as a result from the traumas in my life but honestly, who knows, genetics are a possibility too.  I've contracted Lyme Disease twice and as a result I now have chronic Lyme Disease.  I have endometriosis and a hormone imbalance.  I'm the mother of a child with ADHD, ODD anxiety and conduct disorder.  I'm the wife of a USMC veteran who has a TBI and PTSD.  As a result of all this craziness I'm a fighter and I want to use what little voice I have to bring attention to some overlooked issues, help de-stigmatize some of these issues and start conversations about these topics.

So, that brings us to May being Mental Health Awareness Month so I think I will focus on this cause for the time being.  Unfortunately, this is something I know a lot about since I live with it.  I juggle a husband and FOUR kids while still trying to actually stay sane, for real.  It's a challenge for not just me but my entire family and I suffer a lot of guilt over this.  My husband chose me but my children didn't and I frequently struggle with the burden I am to them.  I worry that I'm destroying them in some irreparable way.  I constantly think that they deserve a better mother than me.  Then I remind myself that I can teach them life lessons that they wouldn't learn from anyone else.  I can empathize with them in ways others cannot and as a result I'm uniquely qualified to be their mother.  I'm a fighter and I fight for them even harder than I fight for myself.  My anxiety will lie to me and tell me that I'm not enough and that I do more harm than good.  Then I take my meds and step out of the fog of lies into the clear light of a healthy mind and I remember all the strengths I possess.

Speaking of medication; can we please stop making people feel shameful for needing medication to treat their illness?  Would we shame a diabetic for taking insulin? No because that would be heartless and unreasonable, right?  Well that's exactly what we (society as a whole) are doing to people who suffer from mental illness!  Medications have literally saved my life TWICE so far.  I am so grateful for modern medicine because I have access to proper treatment for my illness.  This is a wonderful thing that needs to be celebrated not shamed.  Can we all just agree that treating mental illness is actually a really great and necessary for our society to function normally?  Wonderful, I'm so glad you agree!

On that note, I need to start thinking about feeding my rugrats dinner.

Have a fantastic day and stay golden Pony Boy or whatever.