I Am More Than My Weight

I'm feeling compelled to write about weight and body image for some reason.  I have lived on both sides of the spectrum.  I was a skinny child growing up, spandex was baggy on me.  People often asked my mother if I was sick.  I was teased and taunted (including by my own mother who is obese) called "skinny minnie with the meatball eyes" and comments like "you need to run around in the shower just to get wet".  As I grew up and became a young adult I had larger people say rude nasty comments to me frequently.  With that all being said, I certainly got a lot of special attention and special treatment because I was thin.  I got things for free, I got moved to the front of pictures and whatnot.  Male attention was constant; sometimes wanted, sometimes not.

Now, here I am on the other side.  I'm considered obese by the BMI standards and I now see the drastic change in how I'm treated.  I'm pretty much invisible most of the time.  I'm not made fun of anymore but I don't get any special treatment either.  My 4 year old son loves to point out that I have a "big belly" and how fat I am.  Otherwise no one really mentions my weight to me.  I guess I'm lucky that I don't face criticism on a daily basis but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced it.

Me aged 21 after having my first child

When I was in the hospital to deliver my youngest I was fat shamed by my OB-GYN.  I had my second c-section after a difficult pregnancy that included gestational diabetes.  I had stuck to my diet and barely gained any weight during my pregnancy.  Still, my fitness buff doctor put me on a restricted caloric intake diet and even made comments to me that I better not be sneaking food when he would do his daily rounds.  The food service worker actually apologized to me for not being able to give me a full meal.  My milk did not come in as quickly as it had with my last 4 deliveries and I firmly believe that it was a direct result of me not eating enough.  My OB tried to keep me on diabetic medication that could cause my blood sugar to drop dangerously low (my blood sugar levels were NORMAL) because he thought it was going to help me lose weight.  I had to refuse to take the medication and demand that he speak to my specialist about keeping me on the medication before he agreed to take the medication off of my medication list.  I spoke up to one of the nurses and told her what was going on.  She was sympathetic and started bringing me extra food.  Then my milk finally came in.  This was a DOCTOR who was fat shaming a woman at one of the most vulnerable moments in her life.  Yes, health is important, but so it making sure a woman is getting proper nutrition while she is healing from major abdominal surgery, breastfeeding and caring for a newborn. It is also irresponsible to prescribe a medication to a patient when you don't know what that medication is for nor do you know the side effects of that medication.  All of his negligence was a direct result of his disgust for my weight.  He was never kind about my weight just condescending and judgmental.

I am a full human being, I am more than my weight.  This is something I have to tell myself every day as struggle with my current body image.  I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss being thin without any effort.  I would be lying if I said I was pumped to change my diet and exercise.  I was spoiled with a fast metabolism for a large portion of my life and I don't know if I will ever have the self discipline and drive to lose the weight.  I have been on medications that have caused me to gain weight and hold on to that weight despite my efforts to lose it.  It's disheartening and discouraging. 

Now, here I am trying to love my new normal.  I'm trying to be happy in my own skin.  I'm trying to get the motivation to maybe lose the weight.  BUT ya know what?  Maybe I just want to be fat and happy.  I'll figure it out.

Me, my husband and my youngest child